Yeah You Are Seeing Correctly

I have learned that the best seats in the sacrament room, sunday school, or priesthood are those that are set up along the side of the room. Granted you are in direct vision of the others in the room but most of the time they are trying so hard to ignore you that they don’t even realize you are totally scanning the room for funny sites.  

So there I am in sunday school minding my own business (don’t laugh I was actually trying to pay attention, serious!)  During the class I sat along the side of the wall which again gave me a great view of the room.  I at first didn’t notice any strange or post worthy item till they started calling members out to the hall for their photo’s.  Sitting right there in plane view of me was this young chap...

Did you see it?  Take another look and look below his ear and notice the two items of gems.

Finally see it?  Let me spell it out if you are not sure what you are looking at.  A RAT TAIL!  Ok not 1 but 2!  And they were braided!  This is not the first time I have noticed this.  In fact the last few weeks I have noticed several guys in the various wards I have attended with this same sickness growing out the right side of the head.  I have been developing several theories on what this can mean.  

1.)  Gang - But that would be too simple.

2.)  Secret Fraternal Order of L.D.S. Men - I haven’t seen the non L.D.S. fellow male race try it so this one holds strong.  (So I guess my theory of a gang could work.)

3.)  An L.D.S male attempt at starting a fashion craze.  (Not even gonna attempt this one myself.)  Plus I don’t for see it ever being viewed on the Sartorialist blog

What say you?

A modern day prophet by the name of Gordon B. Hinckley said it best about the L.D.S. culture, 

“...we are a peculiar people...”

...But then again I think this is plane stupid and not peculiar.

Still Around

Never fret, I am still around.  I realize that last time I posted was in October.  I will be back with a few good stories this weekend.  And when I say good stories I mean huge!!!

The Mirror Likes Humor

I may not be the most fashionable person, ok maybe my friends would beg to differ, but seriously the fashion of LDS culture can be mind boggling.  The fashion of LDS Utah culture can be even more eventful in the mind boggling category.  Although who am I to judge I mean I’m not a certain person with the last name of Klum telling people that they are “in” or “out.”  Needless to say the following all is "out" in my book.

While I understand the importance of self expression and so forth I also understand the term, “too much.”  I don’t think a great deal of people have learned that word yet from the physical evidence I have gathered with my own two eyes in church.  

Exhibit A:  Two weeks ago I was in my “college age ward” and it was brought to my attention by my friend that the guy in front and to the left of us appeared to have on suspenders.  There is NOTHING wrong with suspenders.  In fact I own a few pairs of them, the problem lies in the way he wore them.  He wore pin stripe pants, a white standard church shirt, vest over the shirt, and then the suspenders were not even on him correctly.  They were hooked to his pants but he had them off his shoulders like he forgot to put them over his arms.  It didn’t stop there either.  Upon further looking we noticed he also had on a white belt, man this explained why he wasn’t properly wearing suspenders.  My translation of his attire:  “Since I love me some Cherry Poppin Daddies and their style I will wear similar things to church.  However I don’t want to look too zoot suited so I will add a belt and some boating shoes giving it a modern casual edge.  Oh man the ladies will dig me today!”

Exhibit B:  In that same meeting my friend and I also noticed the 3 bottle blondes walk in.  They sat in the front row so we never saw their faces, but that wasn’t really needed to understand train wrecks.  In Utah the hair style of most girls falls into the “un-original copy cat look.”  I like to think of it as the “Snooki of the West” look.  These girls had the overly bumped hair, extreme blonde job with intense “Bump It” action going on, the perfect example of ‘Snooki of the West.”  My friend leaned over and simply said, “going up to bare your testimony today would so be worth it if you were able to snap a picture of that.”  Don’t worry we didn’t, but the thought was there.  

and last but not least

 Exhibit C:  This past Sunday I ward shopped and attended a ward where the music leader was wearing the L.D.S. equivalent of stripper shoes.  It paid to sit close to the front, enjoy the visual.

What have you, my readers seen?

Thats all for now, later!

Leave of Absence but Not a Leave of Stories

I know I know.  Who goes and starts a new blog and then drops off the face of the earth even with such classy LDS cliches to talk about?  Well I'm the kinda person who does such things.  So I say get over it and deal for you have some things to read that are more important.

In the last semi month I have been in and out of town on the weekends for work and then with the two weekends of conferences, General Conference and the Stake Conference I have had to really search out things to post on.  

One of the weekends I was away on a workcation I attended a ward with a friend I was staying with.  Now this ward is a family ward and most of the time when I think of family ward I think of screaming devil children (yeah I'm obviously not cut out for children raising) drooling all over.  I was pleasantly surprised this was not the case in her ward.  Granted there was some noise but overall it silence.

But let's look at the current ward I and the other ones several friends attend.

In my ward sometimes the sacrament portion is LOUDER than the family ward.  I have seen my fair share of coloring books grace the presence of the "college age" ward members laps.  During the last fast and testimony meeting before General Conference I was granted the whiff of peanut butter.  Not once but twice.  First off how old are we?  Also do you not remember what you do when you fast?  And peanut butter is nasty and totally gives you away maybe next time you bring Runts or fruit snacks, just a suggestion.

While hearing stories from a friend who resides in a different ward I was told of the coloring book incident.  Two girls sitting in front of her busted out crayons and coloring books right there in the middle of relief society.  Again, how old are you?  Doodling on your note-pad is more acceptable.  I would say though if you brought an Etch A Sketch and drew a detailed portrait of one of the current 12 Apostles I will pay no mind and not say a word.

I think if anything this week we have learned that we need to watch our ages and what we are doing in church.  Plus if you want to have a date with me then give up the peanut butter.  It stinks like poo and I won't be touching hands or other things that graced a peanut butter object.

Seductive Nails At Work

Tuesday, September 21st, 2010

I feel the need to speak on a very important subject.  After close meetings with friends in regards to their own wards we have an epidemic of mass proportions.  Back scratching!  You may ask, “why is this such a problem?”  well you haven’t seen the back scratching like we have in these “college age wards.”  It is off the hook out of control.  I think I have almost seen every form of this out there, but mark my words someone will show me up and perform a new technique to scratch a back. 

There are different methods I have seen used.  There is the girl on girl, guy on guy, (sometimes you may see 3 on 3 like I did recently and it was bizarre.  The best part was that all three guys were wearing the same color clothes.)  You will also see the seduction scratch.  You know the one where the scratcher ever so lightly grazes their finger in an effort to send chills down the spine of the scratchy.  Then you have the “I-want-to-practice-my-spelling-and-shape-making-skills-so-guess-what-I-am-drawing” person and that one cracks me up.  You can always tell the look on the persons face that is being scratched that they solved the answer but they won’t admit it because that means it is there turn to scratch the other persons back, thus making them a back scratch greed.  

I’m just waiting for the day when the Bishopric is taking turns scratching each others backs.  That will be the day and you better believe I will pull out the trusty phone with the camera.  Talk about video production in Sacrament!  I mean seriously, move over Michael Moore I’ll catch something more tasty than your “Bowling For Columbine” movie (which not all that great FYI.)

But I kid you not.  I can’t go a Sunday without seeing this epidemic take place.  Once you spot one you then see them all going at it!  Now for your eyes I have provided a sample of the above said topic.  I will explain though that it is a girl scratching the guy, someone I sent this to said it looked like a guy on guy.

Till next week!

May I See Your ID Please?

Hope y’all have been having a great week.

This Sunday was not so eventful in church.  Granted I only made it 1 full hour before I had to get up and leave due to my sporting activities on Saturday.  I was fit to be tied with soreness and them darn hard plastic chairs were tearing me up. 

Although while I was there I managed to think about dating.  I mean what more is a single LDS member to do when surrounded by fellow single people?  The catcher is the age issue for me.  Granted just as Aaliyah once sang, “Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number.”  But I don’t think she was meaning I become a full fledged creep!  I know one like that and he always has this goofy grin on his face when he walks into a room of “college age ward” members as if he just won the Showcase Showdown on the Price is Right.  (Them people always look awkward.)  

A good portion, if not most, of this ward just graduated high school, Laurels, and Priest Quorum.  And here I was thinking that checking ID’s only had to be done when I tended bar.  Man was I wrong!  I now have to go from carding for booze to carding for wooing rights. I almost think I need to create a weekly line up to ask for ID’s that way I know when it’s safe to date a person, or shall I say at least take on a “first meeting event.”  I am not cut out for jail and I don’t want to be the poster man of a future Lifetime movie.  Although it might get a catchy little title if it did.  I’m thinking it will be called, ‘Holy Prey,’ or ‘Sacred Seduction.’  Yet the more I think about it the less I like the idea.  I’m too pretty for prison.  

I have a few more things to share but at this time I feel the need for bed rest.  

Till either later or next week.

Cushion Your Bum with Family

I lasted for the second week in my new ward, the “college age ward.”  However it was very touch and go.  Not because of testimonies or my bad attitude but from the sheer pain and numbness my butt had to deal with.  While attending church in the L.D.S. Institute building we don’t have soft cushy seats to rest our weary butts on.  Instead we are blessed with them hard, not so cushy, plastic chairs!  

However it was way worse this week!  We had to move rooms as the size of the ward is rather large.  They moved us up to a gym!  Wow smack me on the face and call me lucky!  But seriously I am going to die!  Not only was I in the gym for sacrament but I was blessed with 3 FULL HOURS in the same gym!!!  Sacrament, Sunday School, and Elders Quorum!  What ever did I do the makers of the plastic chair to curse me with this??  Next week I have already decided that I will be bringing a small pillow to rest my wear tush on, I’m sure my “stud” factor will lower but I...don’t...care.  Proper tush maintenance is important to me.

Fast Sunday was just about what I thought.  A lot of under age college kids getting up, (this is an understatement as there are only 5 of us that are from the “post college graduate” ward.)  You almost never know what the “theme” of testimonies will be upon hearing the first two bearings, the third will define the rest of the meeting.  We started out swell hearing once again from “giving a talk” voice guy but...when...you pause...all...the time to...breath...and then...speak...I had just about had it.  You may say I am not being very kind in my words but don’t worry I know this is the main area I need to work on and have begun... *sigh.

Once the third testimony began the theme blasted through the basketball hoop and down the hard wood floor.  “I love my family sooooo much and miss them but I came to school to get away from them.  BUT I still miss them.”  “Emotional Sally” reared her head as she spoke, on how much she loves her roommates and how she get’s so close to them, but that she really really loves her family and does miss them while she is here in town at school and away from them.  A fellow refugee of my former ward shared his testimony and I appreciated it.  He related a dream he shared in my old elders quorum and how he finally understood it.  It was a complete revelation to him how we older people were in these new wards for a divine purpose to carry those that are tired and broken across the “rough waters” on our shoulders like they did in pioneer days across the Sweet Water River.  I was humbled by this testimony and dream.  Yes I won’t lie when I say I had a HORRIBLE attitude about these changes.  I will say thought that each day a little bit of me begins to fully understand the reason I am there.

Although I better not end up with a calling in the Elders Quorum, I don’t think they would understand me, such an understatement :-)

Oh and on a final note, in Elders Quorum I sat through a “spotlight.”  Each week someone new stands up in front and talks about them self.  Then the floor is open and all get to ask a question.  I am already planning my “spotlight,”  they might end them after that. ;-)

Enjoy the week!

First Sunday & Verbal Vomit

I made it through my first sunday in the “college age ward!”  I think that is quite the accomplishment.  

A trend in my “post college graduate” ward was Sacrament DIDN’T EVER start on time.  We sure tried on many occasions but yet we failed and were ok with this.  In my mind I knew this would not take place in the new ward.  So I actually made a point to be early, ok 5 minutes wasn’t to early but I wasn’t wanting to make myself visually appealing to the bishopric or a calling would be sent my way.  

I of course made my way onto the back row and noticed the awful truth.  I could easily be called “cradle robber” if I tried to date many of the people in the ward.  Epic Fail!  I’m not jail material.  To my great fear I also noticed that I no longer attend church in a standard building, we were in a classroom setting there in the institute building.  I mean I’ve attended church  in mobile homes and standard buildings but this is different.  I won’t let it get to me.  Moving on...

Sacrament get’s going and people are still sitting out in the halls.  Even with 3 classrooms joined into one large room we still have no room for all.  I foresee this creating a race to the back row every week.  No showing late for me.  We begin the ordinance of sacrament and make it all the way to the water with no issues.  Just when I thought it was safe I eat my words.  3 out of the 4 guys are lined back up to be motioned to return to the front after passing the water.  One guy still continues to pass the water and has 3 rows left.  All of a sudden up stands one of the bishopric members who get’s on the mic and says, “Now is there anyone out there who has not yet had the chance to partake of the sacrament?”  This is when I get in trouble.  I have been known for not censoring my thoughts from time to time, yeah I didn’t this time either.  I had a bad case of "Verbal Vomit."  In my mind I thought I was thinking it but nope out loud I said in response, “Uh No!  They are still passing it to a few rows!”  Oh man as soon as the words exited my mouth I knew I was in trouble, that was not kept inside.  At least 4 rows in front of me heard what I said and the people sitting on either side of me slide away from my seat.  I was a deer in a field of hunters.  If anything I made it possible for me to NOT receive a calling.  

The speakers were all good, however there in one person who has two voices.  I would like to call him”vantrillo-man.”  He has a “announcement” making voice and then a “giving a talk” voice.  It might have something to do with the age range of children in my ward but man alive he was talking like he was reading a bed time story to a 5 year old.  

Sunday school was un eventful.  I did find someone else from my former “post college graduate” ward to sit with and that saved me.  A buddy of mine ditched out on the first sunday due to a trip (I think it was strategically planned that way, TOTALLY JUST KIDDING FRIEND) so I was glad I ended up finding others to sit with.  When it came time to attend 3rd hour of meetings there the only 4 of us from the “post college graduate” ward all sat by each other in the far back corner of the room.  We officially became the outsiders.  I’m hoping it makes us as cool as the “Outsiders”  from the book and movie, although I don’t want to be Emilio.  Oh and heaven forbid we get deemed “Lost Boys.”  That movie was not a happy movie.  The lesson given was very fitting for the start of a new college semester... “Chastity and Morality.”  Both the bishop and his wife spoke.  In their talks though we were informed that they’re 17 year old son would be attending out ward.  (Great it keeps getting younger and younger.)  I was highly entertained during these two lessons as you could see the couples in the ward do the awkward hand/hug release and slowly, (don’t want to bring attention to you,) separate and slide away from each other.  If I wanted to I probably could have sit between several of them by the time the lesson was over.  

Finally there are two other topics that I feel the need to relate to you.  Institute sign up and the “friendship council.”  Our ward has a goal, and according to the bishopric it will happen, of 100% institute sign up.  I feel very bad for this as I wont be signing up, but you can pretend I’m not in the ward cause us old people don’t count.  What per se is the “Friendship Council?”  Well from what I can tell it is a made up calling just so that everyone has a calling.  From what I gather it will involve being super annoying and perky trying to talk to everyone and smile a lot!  This will be a fun post I hope for in the future.  

Next Sunday night will be an interesting post... FAST SUNDAY!  Don’t worry I wont ever make fun of a testimony as that would be sacrilege but I being in a college ward this will give me a better look at the “key players.”  Every ward has them and this one isn’t exempt.  Maybe we will have “Emotional Sally,” “Recently Moved From Home Dan” “Repeat Offender,” and the list goes on.

Catch you next week!   

Introduction of Why

**Just so you know this blog is solely the insights and opinions of the author.  Names will be changed and altered.  Any name or actual person is strictly coincidental.**

The transitions of life involve many a few things.  We are born, go to school, graduate, and hopefully get married.  Unfortunately it doesn’t work out that simple for most if not all mankind, and if your a single Latter-Day Saint this gets even more epic once you enter the singles ward scene.  You are taught to find the “special one” that you can take to the Temple and be married to for “time and eternity.”  If you don’t find someone you are bound to a place known as a “singles ward,” a place where others in your same situation join forces and hope and pray to land that “special one.”  

Along the way you may be forced to face trials of great discomfort and hyperbole.  If you are fresh out of a high school scene you will generally attend a “college age” (18-24)  singles ward until you either get married or make the move to “post college graduate” (25-31) singles ward.  This is a very special breed of ward.  Most if not all of these attendees have started careers, landed a home of their own and are happy on their path knowing that they “will” find someone and that life is not all about “doing the deed” and having the trophy spouse with 2.2 kids and a back log of debt to pay for that 4-wheeler they can’t truly afford. 

While I am in the middle of having my career take off I do fall in the group of “post college graduate” singles ward.  No I did not attend a formal college, however I did attend a “college age”  singles ward after high school.  My time and frame of mind soon led me to the “post college graduate” aged wards.  

SO why create this blog now, and not sooner?  

In the middle of August, 2010 my “post college graduate” ward along with the others in town was dissolved (means they cancel it) and to then teamed up with the “college age” wards.  The change was suppose to remove all pre conceived titles and start fresh with what is now to be called a Young Single Adult, Y.S.A, ward filling the ages of 18-30.  Once you turned 31 you would be banished in your single shame to the land of “family wards.”  (I hope that my readers understand that I do not poke fun if you have not been married yet and are in the “family ward.”)  Instead this blog is to take you on the journey of being thrust back into a lesser mind set of life where parties, school books and young marriages mix with the house owning, career set driven singles.  

Enjoy the ride this WILL be interesting!!