Seductive Nails At Work

Tuesday, September 21st, 2010

I feel the need to speak on a very important subject.  After close meetings with friends in regards to their own wards we have an epidemic of mass proportions.  Back scratching!  You may ask, “why is this such a problem?”  well you haven’t seen the back scratching like we have in these “college age wards.”  It is off the hook out of control.  I think I have almost seen every form of this out there, but mark my words someone will show me up and perform a new technique to scratch a back. 

There are different methods I have seen used.  There is the girl on girl, guy on guy, (sometimes you may see 3 on 3 like I did recently and it was bizarre.  The best part was that all three guys were wearing the same color clothes.)  You will also see the seduction scratch.  You know the one where the scratcher ever so lightly grazes their finger in an effort to send chills down the spine of the scratchy.  Then you have the “I-want-to-practice-my-spelling-and-shape-making-skills-so-guess-what-I-am-drawing” person and that one cracks me up.  You can always tell the look on the persons face that is being scratched that they solved the answer but they won’t admit it because that means it is there turn to scratch the other persons back, thus making them a back scratch greed.  

I’m just waiting for the day when the Bishopric is taking turns scratching each others backs.  That will be the day and you better believe I will pull out the trusty phone with the camera.  Talk about video production in Sacrament!  I mean seriously, move over Michael Moore I’ll catch something more tasty than your “Bowling For Columbine” movie (which not all that great FYI.)

But I kid you not.  I can’t go a Sunday without seeing this epidemic take place.  Once you spot one you then see them all going at it!  Now for your eyes I have provided a sample of the above said topic.  I will explain though that it is a girl scratching the guy, someone I sent this to said it looked like a guy on guy.

Till next week!

May I See Your ID Please?

Hope y’all have been having a great week.

This Sunday was not so eventful in church.  Granted I only made it 1 full hour before I had to get up and leave due to my sporting activities on Saturday.  I was fit to be tied with soreness and them darn hard plastic chairs were tearing me up. 

Although while I was there I managed to think about dating.  I mean what more is a single LDS member to do when surrounded by fellow single people?  The catcher is the age issue for me.  Granted just as Aaliyah once sang, “Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number.”  But I don’t think she was meaning I become a full fledged creep!  I know one like that and he always has this goofy grin on his face when he walks into a room of “college age ward” members as if he just won the Showcase Showdown on the Price is Right.  (Them people always look awkward.)  

A good portion, if not most, of this ward just graduated high school, Laurels, and Priest Quorum.  And here I was thinking that checking ID’s only had to be done when I tended bar.  Man was I wrong!  I now have to go from carding for booze to carding for wooing rights. I almost think I need to create a weekly line up to ask for ID’s that way I know when it’s safe to date a person, or shall I say at least take on a “first meeting event.”  I am not cut out for jail and I don’t want to be the poster man of a future Lifetime movie.  Although it might get a catchy little title if it did.  I’m thinking it will be called, ‘Holy Prey,’ or ‘Sacred Seduction.’  Yet the more I think about it the less I like the idea.  I’m too pretty for prison.  

I have a few more things to share but at this time I feel the need for bed rest.  

Till either later or next week.

Cushion Your Bum with Family

I lasted for the second week in my new ward, the “college age ward.”  However it was very touch and go.  Not because of testimonies or my bad attitude but from the sheer pain and numbness my butt had to deal with.  While attending church in the L.D.S. Institute building we don’t have soft cushy seats to rest our weary butts on.  Instead we are blessed with them hard, not so cushy, plastic chairs!  

However it was way worse this week!  We had to move rooms as the size of the ward is rather large.  They moved us up to a gym!  Wow smack me on the face and call me lucky!  But seriously I am going to die!  Not only was I in the gym for sacrament but I was blessed with 3 FULL HOURS in the same gym!!!  Sacrament, Sunday School, and Elders Quorum!  What ever did I do the makers of the plastic chair to curse me with this??  Next week I have already decided that I will be bringing a small pillow to rest my wear tush on, I’m sure my “stud” factor will lower but I...don’t...care.  Proper tush maintenance is important to me.

Fast Sunday was just about what I thought.  A lot of under age college kids getting up, (this is an understatement as there are only 5 of us that are from the “post college graduate” ward.)  You almost never know what the “theme” of testimonies will be upon hearing the first two bearings, the third will define the rest of the meeting.  We started out swell hearing once again from “giving a talk” voice guy but...when...you pause...all...the time to...breath...and then...speak...I had just about had it.  You may say I am not being very kind in my words but don’t worry I know this is the main area I need to work on and have begun... *sigh.

Once the third testimony began the theme blasted through the basketball hoop and down the hard wood floor.  “I love my family sooooo much and miss them but I came to school to get away from them.  BUT I still miss them.”  “Emotional Sally” reared her head as she spoke, on how much she loves her roommates and how she get’s so close to them, but that she really really loves her family and does miss them while she is here in town at school and away from them.  A fellow refugee of my former ward shared his testimony and I appreciated it.  He related a dream he shared in my old elders quorum and how he finally understood it.  It was a complete revelation to him how we older people were in these new wards for a divine purpose to carry those that are tired and broken across the “rough waters” on our shoulders like they did in pioneer days across the Sweet Water River.  I was humbled by this testimony and dream.  Yes I won’t lie when I say I had a HORRIBLE attitude about these changes.  I will say thought that each day a little bit of me begins to fully understand the reason I am there.

Although I better not end up with a calling in the Elders Quorum, I don’t think they would understand me, such an understatement :-)

Oh and on a final note, in Elders Quorum I sat through a “spotlight.”  Each week someone new stands up in front and talks about them self.  Then the floor is open and all get to ask a question.  I am already planning my “spotlight,”  they might end them after that. ;-)

Enjoy the week!

First Sunday & Verbal Vomit

I made it through my first sunday in the “college age ward!”  I think that is quite the accomplishment.  

A trend in my “post college graduate” ward was Sacrament DIDN’T EVER start on time.  We sure tried on many occasions but yet we failed and were ok with this.  In my mind I knew this would not take place in the new ward.  So I actually made a point to be early, ok 5 minutes wasn’t to early but I wasn’t wanting to make myself visually appealing to the bishopric or a calling would be sent my way.  

I of course made my way onto the back row and noticed the awful truth.  I could easily be called “cradle robber” if I tried to date many of the people in the ward.  Epic Fail!  I’m not jail material.  To my great fear I also noticed that I no longer attend church in a standard building, we were in a classroom setting there in the institute building.  I mean I’ve attended church  in mobile homes and standard buildings but this is different.  I won’t let it get to me.  Moving on...

Sacrament get’s going and people are still sitting out in the halls.  Even with 3 classrooms joined into one large room we still have no room for all.  I foresee this creating a race to the back row every week.  No showing late for me.  We begin the ordinance of sacrament and make it all the way to the water with no issues.  Just when I thought it was safe I eat my words.  3 out of the 4 guys are lined back up to be motioned to return to the front after passing the water.  One guy still continues to pass the water and has 3 rows left.  All of a sudden up stands one of the bishopric members who get’s on the mic and says, “Now is there anyone out there who has not yet had the chance to partake of the sacrament?”  This is when I get in trouble.  I have been known for not censoring my thoughts from time to time, yeah I didn’t this time either.  I had a bad case of "Verbal Vomit."  In my mind I thought I was thinking it but nope out loud I said in response, “Uh No!  They are still passing it to a few rows!”  Oh man as soon as the words exited my mouth I knew I was in trouble, that was not kept inside.  At least 4 rows in front of me heard what I said and the people sitting on either side of me slide away from my seat.  I was a deer in a field of hunters.  If anything I made it possible for me to NOT receive a calling.  

The speakers were all good, however there in one person who has two voices.  I would like to call him”vantrillo-man.”  He has a “announcement” making voice and then a “giving a talk” voice.  It might have something to do with the age range of children in my ward but man alive he was talking like he was reading a bed time story to a 5 year old.  

Sunday school was un eventful.  I did find someone else from my former “post college graduate” ward to sit with and that saved me.  A buddy of mine ditched out on the first sunday due to a trip (I think it was strategically planned that way, TOTALLY JUST KIDDING FRIEND) so I was glad I ended up finding others to sit with.  When it came time to attend 3rd hour of meetings there the only 4 of us from the “post college graduate” ward all sat by each other in the far back corner of the room.  We officially became the outsiders.  I’m hoping it makes us as cool as the “Outsiders”  from the book and movie, although I don’t want to be Emilio.  Oh and heaven forbid we get deemed “Lost Boys.”  That movie was not a happy movie.  The lesson given was very fitting for the start of a new college semester... “Chastity and Morality.”  Both the bishop and his wife spoke.  In their talks though we were informed that they’re 17 year old son would be attending out ward.  (Great it keeps getting younger and younger.)  I was highly entertained during these two lessons as you could see the couples in the ward do the awkward hand/hug release and slowly, (don’t want to bring attention to you,) separate and slide away from each other.  If I wanted to I probably could have sit between several of them by the time the lesson was over.  

Finally there are two other topics that I feel the need to relate to you.  Institute sign up and the “friendship council.”  Our ward has a goal, and according to the bishopric it will happen, of 100% institute sign up.  I feel very bad for this as I wont be signing up, but you can pretend I’m not in the ward cause us old people don’t count.  What per se is the “Friendship Council?”  Well from what I can tell it is a made up calling just so that everyone has a calling.  From what I gather it will involve being super annoying and perky trying to talk to everyone and smile a lot!  This will be a fun post I hope for in the future.  

Next Sunday night will be an interesting post... FAST SUNDAY!  Don’t worry I wont ever make fun of a testimony as that would be sacrilege but I being in a college ward this will give me a better look at the “key players.”  Every ward has them and this one isn’t exempt.  Maybe we will have “Emotional Sally,” “Recently Moved From Home Dan” “Repeat Offender,” and the list goes on.

Catch you next week!